The last in my series of depression posts is one that I rarely talk about. But in many ways it was the most scary to me. It was the one where I felt most confused and out of control.
10 to 15 percent of all postpartum women experience postpartum depression. Usually, symptoms occur within 2 weeks of childbirth. However, symptoms have been known to show up anywhere within the first year. Also noteworthy is that about one in one thousand women will develop postpartum psychosis. These women are at an extremely high risk of suicide.
It was remarked to me on several occasions that there was some surprise that I hadn't developed postpartum depression; the last two weeks of my first pregnancy and for some time afterwards I was completely incapacitated due to an injury. Birth and immediate recovery in the hospital, where I was suppose to be bonding with my new baby, were extremely difficult.
Every time this remark as made to me, I looked around at my home. Dirty dishes piled high in the sink, empty pizza boxes littered the counters, my hair was matted, and my clothes hadn't been changed in a week. No, I thought, this is just motherhood. Right? I'm fine
My son was an incredibly easy baby. Aside from some initial breastfeeding problems (that I blamed myself for with a passion), he was a good sleeper, even tempered, and adorable. I had no reason to be sad. But I was. Baby blues, I said. Right? I'm fine.
Like the story book, that baby grew. He grew and he grew and he grew. I looked around at my home. Dirty dishes piled high in the sink, empty pizza boxes littered the counters, my hair was matted, and my clothes hadn't been changed in a week. But I was just busy. I was busy in my constant research to be the perfect mother. I would do everything right. I didn't matter anymore. Nothing except my boy mattered. Right? I'm fine.
I would occasionally catch sight of myself in the mirror. My eyes were hollow and I didn't recognize the face staring back at me. Just sleep deprivation, I thought. All moms feel this. Even though my son was a pretty good sleeper. I would just lie awake at night because I was listening to him breathe. I was a devoted, vigilant mother. Never mind the strange buzzing sound I would hear on occasion. Probably means I drank too much caffeine today, right? I'm fine.
What twaddle these new moms spout off. They aren't doing it right. They don't do the things I do. The things that my hours of research tell me is the right way to parent. I see their weakness. I have no weakness. It's odd that the buzzing noise comes in the day time. Yes, my love. You can pour all of the flour out onto your little table. That's what good moms do. I will let you explore with all of your senses. I will clean it up eventually. When I feel better. When this noise stops. It will stop, right? I'm fine.
No one understands my boy but me. I will always be his protector and his advocate. I don't know who wants to hurt him. But someone does. I wont let them. Maybe the shadows know. That one that just moved down the hall. At least I know what makes the noise. I will be able to understand all tonight. I wont sleep. It doesn't want me to sleep. In the mean time, I need to get a new activity going for my boy. The shadows will know when I let my guard down. I wont do that. I can't do that... right? I'm fine.
Toasted jamstick. Shadows are watching. It moves around the room. But if they know what I see, they might take my boy. I'm fine. I'm fine. A new approach. A new daily schedule. You can't catch me when I'm concentrating. When I'm mothering. Why is it so loud? Don't look at me that way. I'm doing things right! I'm doing what they say is best. No, I don't matter. Why should I? I'm a mom now. That's all. I'm not fine.
I was adamant about not seeing a psychiatrist. I wanted to continue breastfeeding and I knew that medicated would stop that. My therapist was an amazing woman who listened to me, who listened to the ramblings. Who understood and put a name to what I was dealing with. She was able to break through the fog and give me a place to pour out all that was inside my head. She was not totally comfortable with my refusal of medication at first, but I was able to regain myself through our visits. It helped that once my mind was clear, I was able to draw from my experiences with meth psychosis and rationalize the postpartum psychosis.
Our weekly appointments had to stop when we moved away, but I have been able to draw on her advice ever since to lead a relatively normal life, though normal to me is quite a bit different than the accepted definition.
I don't advise not seeking help sooner, or refusing medication if someone is experiencing postpartum depression and psychosis. I was just stubborn. Always have been.